It's all about YOU! Life-Long Learning
"When are you going to write a book about relationships and dating?" If I have been asked this question once, I have been asked thousands of times by friends, family members, and co-workers.
For the past 28 years in Corporate America, I have worked with thousands of employees - from production workers to clerical to executive management. I have conducted leadership development workshops and seminars, and I have been instrumental in improving morale and personal development for employees. The principals and methods I've used throughout my life and career have worked - it's as simple as that.
I have made my share of mistakes. As a matter of fact, my marriage ended in divorce - the same as approximately 56% of the U.S. population - and I was not happy about it. My family is very strictly religious and did not believe in divorce. My parents raised me according to their biblical teachings. If it was stated biblically, so it should be lived. I did not understand what that meant as a child - all I knew is that marriages were to last "forever." Those were the beliefs of my parents, so those beliefs, in turn, became my own.
So because of this belief, I stayed in a relationship for 20 years of my life knowing that it was not the right relationship for me. As most hopeful spouses, I prayed it would get better. But it didn't get better until I realized I had to be willing to help myself. So I did. I finally learned the lesson, and that's what brings me to want to help others that may have similar beliefs or reasons for continuing to either stay in the wrong relationship, for the wrong reason, or continue finding the wrong mate and accepting the status quo.
I do believe that most people have the necessary ingredients and capabilities to have a successful relationship. Some people learn from their life lessons and experiences and some refuse to learn. Learning from your lessons holds tremendous power. In my book, "Why Can't I find a Good Mate," I delve into many questions and answers and show you how to improve your "screening process" when looking for the right one for you.
Relationships are what life is all about. Of course, we all want great careers, financial independence, big shiny cars in the garage of our big expensive homes. But the real true defining evidence of success is to have a relationship that is perfect for you. And only you can define what is "perfect for you."
Before you can unlock the key to loving yourself, you must first be honest from the inside out to determine what is blocking your joy - i.e., pain, past resentments, guilt, envy, etc. Are you carrying around a lot of baggage from your past? What is your self worth? Do you have unrealistic expectations of others? Do you get angry or resentful because someone doesn't call you enough or want to be your friend. Are you a life "pack-rat"? You must rid your life of all your old beliefs and what I like to call "stinkin thinking." It's toxic and it can do nothing but cause harm.
Occasionally, we have to do Spring cleaning and throw out all the junk that is cluttering up our homes and our work areas. The same holds true in our relationships and our self-worth. Junk, trash, confusion, resentment, buildup of past hard feelings, etc. can clutter up our soul and prevent our true self-love from shining through. It clouds our judgment and gets in the way of our development. Until we can clear out the personal clutter, we live in "the meantime" - waiting for something to change.
People come to me wondering why they continue to attract the wrong people into their lives. They don't understand why they continue to have bad luck over and over coming up empty each and every time - walking away with a broken heart. The answer is simple - "if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. If you want something you've never had, then you must do something you've never done." Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin both defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result."
Here are questions to help assess your current emotional state:
- Do you dislike spending time alone?
- Do you need constant reassurance that you are a good person from others?
- Do you carry old resentments from previous relationships?
- Do you believe that a good man/woman is hard to find?
- Do you dislike what you see when you look in the mirror?
- Is it difficult to motivate yourself?
- Did you have an unhappy childhood? And do you still think about it occasionally?
Have you ever found yourself in relationships for any of these reasons?
- Because you're tired of rejection so you confuse friendship and kindness with romantic love
- Because you're tired of looking for the right one
- An ego booster because you need to feel good about your self - elevates your self-esteem
- Because the person showed interest in you first
- Rebound relationship
- Loneliness
- Because a friend matched you up
- You got caught up in the person's packaging and promises without taking the time to observe and investigate what's inside the packaging and promises
- To satisfy your sexual needs
Entering into relationships for these reasons without assessing whether or not this person is right for you will only end in disaster - someone will be hurt in the end. And it will most likely be you. So why continue to put yourself through that?
Article written by C. Holloway Hill, Corporate Veteran and Information Technology Manager. Ms. Hill has written two books. Website: www.chollowayhill.com, email chollowayhill@yahoo.com. Feel free to write her with your experiences, comments, questions.
© 2007, C. Holloway Hill, All Rights Reserved
